For the entire month of April, Cinefessions will once again be locked inside The Asylum, reviewing tons of releases by the famed studio. Every weekday throughout April you will get another Asylum review. April’s podcast will also be devoted to films from The Asylum.


 

Bermuda Tentacles PosterTitle: Bermuda Tentacles (2014)
Director: Nick Lyon
Runtime: 89 minutes

April in The Asylum started out for me as sheer dread last year, but ended up being one of my funniest film months, right along with the Cinefessions Summer Screams Challenge in June. See, The Asylum is known for making terrible “mockbusters”, riffing on the down trodden folks who fall victim to Transmorphers instead of Transformers when they hit the video store. Somehow, though, I am stoked to re-enter The Asylum, and my first film of choice is Bermuda Tentacles, because who doesn’t love some tentacles in their life?

After finishing this movie, I still have no idea what I really watched. Air Force One goes down in the Bermuda Triangle, so some Navy folks are sent to try and rescue the president. However, there is a mysterious tentacle monster roaming the waters. There are a few twists and turns, but ultimately Bermuda Tentacles makes little sense.

The Asylum has somehow gathered a really good cast here, but, sadly, the script’s mediocrity destroys any capable acting we might otherwise have. But, hey, that’s part of the charm, right? Linda Hamilton, Jamie Kennedy, and John Savage star, and give it their best, which is pretty fantastic.

It’s not an Asylum film without cheesy CGI, and Bermuda Tentacles has it in spades. The tentacles are jellyfish-like, and are hysterical when thrashing around. I won’t spoil the end of the film, but it is great, and completely absurd.

I haven’t seen anything else from director Nick Lyons, but he has a few Asylum films under his belt, and who knows, maybe I’ll be catching some of them this month. Sadly, this doesn’t give me much hope for his other works.

The biggest flaw of Bermuda Tentacles is that it tries to take itself seriously, which makes no sense because it’s about tentacles! There is more, but again, no spoilers for this “great” script. With a bit more cheese instead of seriousness, this film could have been a hoot. However, as it stands, it’s pretty bland on all accounts. Not the worst from The Asylum but definitely not a good start to this visit.

one_star

Chris Ranson
Film Critic at Cinefessions

Chris was raised on horror films, which gave him a deep love for the genre, especially its most quirky and offbeat titles (like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2). This love quickly turned into an obsession for cinema in 1997, when he decided he needed to see every major theatrical release. Video games (JRPGs), reading (anything but fantasy), and reality television (Survivor) are just some of his other passions. He’s been with Cinefessions since 2013, and has been writing reviews all over the internet for the past twelve years.